Aug 112004

Well, here we are again, folks. It’s pretty damn hot here in my city and I am sweating like a little organic snausage. Okay, on second thought, maybe I don’t qualify as organic right yet. In fact, I may take a few years to get to the organic status, but I am willing to take the time and make the effort.

“So, what’s new?”, I hear you ask.
Oh, you know… not so much.
But I thought I ought to explain a thing to people because I, well, forget that that they don’t know. And you may think I am being cute and ironic when I say that, but no, I really mean that I forget.
Basically, these days I am likely to forget just about anything. If you are someone who has contact with me a whole bunch, it’s probably best if you know that my memory is totally for shit right now.
It’s a funny little thing that they call “Chemo-brain. You can read all about it on this other page or just pop the term into Google and learn up.

Anyway, that part of the whole chemo/cancer thing is pretty awful for me.
Folks who know me will know that there is this nasty little Alzheimer’s problem in my family and I have been watching that chew up my various relatives over the last 10 or 15 years, so having what seems like a dress rehearsal for my own episode is pretty freaky. Elaine, as alway, has been amazing and pats my head and keeps me from having a great big freak out. Well, she tries to contain the freak outs, sometimes they are big.

Anyway…. one of the reasons I write this, when I remember to write things here, is because I want people to learn as I go thru this. So, today I have decided that you should all learn about chemo-brain.
Lucky you.

What else?

I am now pretty much halfway thru this round of treatment, and we are all hoping that one round of treatment is the beginning and the end of the story and I just walk out the door of the cancer clinic all cured up and a better person.
That’s what I am hoping and I know I have a lot of support on that score.
But it’s funny being at the halfway point.

Wanna know more?
Follow me here…

So, yeah, here I am at the halfway point.
I suppose today is really pretty much halfway thru the whole enchilada.
See, I do chemo on, say, a Tuesday. I feel okay on the Tuesday, I take a much of steroids and shite, and I drink a ton of water. Mostly I feel strange but okay-ish for a couple of days. Then, about a week after the chemo, it all starts to come to the surface and I am a wreck.
That’s where I am at today.
See, there are a bunch of things happening, and this my completely non-scientific account of that process.
By now, a week after the chemo, I am trying to taper off the meds and get some clarity in my head. Just go back and think about the whole chemo-brain issue if you need to understand.
But at the same time, the chemo makes me achy and it makes me low energy and I feel like crap.
Experience is teaching me that I just have to let all that stuff float to the surface, like letting a fever break. And then in the days that follow, I will feel better.
That’s where I am at right now.
I get cabin fever, I get bored with myself, I wish I believed in television. I dog my gf and think she has a fascinating life, writing code for websites and stuff.
This chunk pretty much sucks.

So, I started creating a list of rewards I want to give myself when I get thru this in December.
And then I thought that was funny, because really, I should just be pretty damn happy to get through it and stay alive.
That is the point of the exercise, no?
Can you tell I am a youngest child?

Anyway, it’s been brutally hot here and I have been entertaining myself with a long list of things I want, or things I miss and I thought I would share some of those things here.
Why, because it seems like the thing to do.

So, here are some links and stuff to things I like or places I want to be or something or other.

Starting off, here is where I wish I was. If it’s night time when you click the link, you should check back in daylight. It’s totally worth it.
Tofino Web-Cam

Okay, while I was in Tofino, I wish I was staying here Pacific Sands Resort. It’s much more fancy than where we usually stay, but since I am just keeping my imagination is shape right now, I am going to go with the fancy-pants resort.
Okay, if I was really gonna be fancy, I’d go with the Wikkanninish Inn, but I am trying to stay within my class constraints.

I am also thinking of a new tattoo or two when I get to the other side of this.
Elaine has already done up the first draft of the art work and the plan is to go see a guy named Robe Hope who works at the Dutchman Tattoos. I have seen Rob’s tattoos on one of my friends and the work is excellent.
If you want to see the work he does, have a peek here:
This is a good example of the detail and shading he does. I chatted with him at the Vancouver Tattoo Convention and he seems like a really nice guy.

Also, now that my appetite is creeping back, I have renewed my obsession for a good steak burrito or at least a way to make decent carne asada. I am having fond memories of eating yummy steak burritos in the Mission at El Farlito. It’s delicious and delightful. And now I am going to go eat some home made chips and salsa and try to believe that’s good enough.

And this may be kind of weird for some people to hear, but I really miss working and having a sense of purpose in my life and focusing on something bigger than me. This being a professional patient is boring after a while, even though people are really sweet and everything. I miss feeling like I could contribute and make a difference.
That part has been hard.

And I’d really like to get away from the city, even if it’s only for a little day trip. Everything is sort of complicated when it comes to moving me and my supplies, but hell, I feel like the summer is here and it’s slipping past me and I just want to spend a day at a lake with my sweetie before it’s all come and gone.
Wish me luck on that score.

Well, it’s getting really late and there is going to be a meteor shower tonight, and I think I am going to lay in the hammock and check it out.

I’ve had a swell time catching you up here tonight.
I hope you feel like it was time well spent.

And hey, don’t be a stranger.
And remember, kids, if you take enough drugs and stay up a long long time, you too can be this annoying.

Roger Dodger
Over and out.

 Posted by at 11:48 pm

  2 Responses to “I forget myself”

  1. Hi Spike :-)

    I check everyday to see if you have a new blog posting. I usually read it a few times as my head is a bit slow too. I continually feel so privilaged that you are sharing all of this. I have a belief, that all we really can do in this life is love and be loved and share our experiences with each other.
    I haven’t read chemo brain yet, but did look at the webcam of Tofino, I can’t explain what it does to me but I am sure you understand knowing how you love it there. Wayne took me there on my 29th birthday, it was so powerful, a very personal experience. I have wanted to return ever since.
    Ahh, our wishes, hopes and dreams they can magically take us away on a journey of there own. Thank you again for sharing and for being you.

    Thinking of you often.
    Hugs Fiona (Wayne too)

  2. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and I really find the stuff you are willing to share is interesting and insightful. I’d love to come by and see you guys but I’m unsure when is good. Take care.

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