Apr 222007

For the unfortunate group of folks who show up as my friends on LJ, I am truly sorry for the fact that my recent attempt at a website tweak, which would allow cross-posting from my site to my LJ page, well, rumour has it that things went haywire and people got buried in 5 screens worth of old news about me and my life.
I do apologize for that.

And to set the record straight, I did get hit by a bus, but that was 2 years ago and everything is fine in that regard now.
And nope, Elaine and I did not get back together. Those things we wrote about going through cancer stuff together are now historical documents.

It was sort of bizarre, in a gruelling sort of way, for me to read all that stuff again. To think back to the beginning of the process and how freaky that was and how I had no clue what to expect or if I would even be alive today, and just try to muster the courage to put one foot in front of the other and do it.
At the time, people told me I was brave, and I remember thinking, “What other choice do I have?”
It’s weird to look back at it all.
Thinking about all the people who helped us along the way.
Thinking about all the tests and the terror and the uncertainty.
Thinking about the side effects; the memory loss and the neuropathy.
The whole event made my head tingle in some ways I hadn’t been ready for.
And that’s sort of interesting, since it’s my life I was talking about.

Anyway, for the folks who I inundated, I do apologize.

On other fronts, I saw both my gyno oncologist and my folks at the High Risk clinic (who follow me and my BRCA mutation and where that has mutated to at any given moment) and both camps are happy with my blood work and my mammograms and all that happy crap.
So, that’s good news.

And it’s spring, and I like spring. All that new life and all those fresh starts, it’s almost inspiring.

Oh, and I had a birthday in there, too. Which is another reason I like spring.

That’s it, that’s all.

 Posted by at 3:33 pm
Apr 032007

Last week, in a spontaneous moment, I confessed to two co-workers that I owned this domain name/website/blog/corner of the internet universe.
And then I instantly had a Homer Simpson “Doh” reaction and thought, “Was that the wisest thing I could have done?”
See, for years, I have read the blog entries of my OVCA sisters and thought, “Man, how sweet would that be to just say, “My partner is an amazing id-jit” or “My co-worker is as useless as tits on a bull.”
Long have I envied the candor which my more anonymous compatriots have brought to their blogs.

So, there it was, hanging there. And I wondered, “Did I ever say, ‘Damnation… I work with a legion of fools and wankers!”?
Cuz, frankly, I have had my moments of thinking that. As have we all.

Anyhow… I am at least partially outed as a OVCA blogger, at least at work.

And this outing has sparked a couple of cancer related conversations, which have caused me to think, even three years after the fact.

So, here’s a thing I should say.

Sorry I have been so crabby. I tried to be all Lance Armstrong-like, but unless you know what it’s like to lay in bed for the best part of a year, wondering if you are going to croak like all the statistics strongly suggest, well, I am not sure you get to be critical.

I took a book out of the library recently. It was a Cancer Survivor’s Notebook, or some such title. I really should memorize the title because somehow the book got water damaged and it ended up costing me over $30.
And after all that, I didn’t even read much of the book, since I was trying to get ready to move. But one wee tidbit that I did read was about how cancer patients/survivors can come across as angry, because we are so absolutely terrified right to the bone of dropping dead. So, angry is really about scared. Scared in a way that you can’t know till you get here.
So, forgive me. And forgive any other crabby seriously ill person you encounter.
It is frightening in a way that you can’t know yet.

More later.

 Posted by at 9:37 pm