May 242004

The last few days have been relatively normal and kind of quiet.
I guess if I was really normal, I’d still be working and that would make me all happy and enthusiastic about this long weekend everyone is enjoying.
It is nice to have more access to my friends these last few days.

On some level, it feels like the countdown to the chemo and like I am under a lot of (self-inflicted) pressure to have as much fun as possible while I can.
The extra belly button is a bit of an obstacle in fun land, as is the fact that I still don’t know if the government is going to accept my claim for a medical leave.
So, outside it’s a spectacular spring day, and I am not quite sure what I will end up doing, because so many things get ruled out because I can’t do them or I can’t afford to do them.
(Err, okay.. people have been really sweet and generous and it seems like if I mention being in need of anything, it miraculously shows up on my doorstep. So hear me when I say, I am not cyber-panhandling. I am just talking about the frustrations of being a tiny speck in yet another great big system that may or may not do what I want.)

It’s kind of amazing to me how much I wanted to be in the test group for this chemo study. I think I was much more tolerant of all the frustrating bits before I heard that I was in the control group. And since I found out I am in the control group, I find myself feeling kind of sullen and grumpy and like screaming, “hey! That’s not good enough, okay! How about we get our shit together here because I am so not excited about getting the second prize in chemotherapy!”
I guess I am having my Dylan Thomas “do not go gentle…” moments.

So, I confess, I have been a bit crabby lately.
If you drop by the house, I don’t think you’ll notice. I think only Elaine sees it, that’s the wonderful thing about a long term relationship, ain’t it?
But I do seem to be getting into my cranky days.
But that’s okay… gotta get this stuff on the outside, right?
If you keep it bottled up, it can kill you.
Besides, I keep being told that grumpy people survive chemo better than regular people. I have noticed that it’s always grumpy people who say that, oddly enough.

So, yeah, I am disappointed that I will be in the control group, I can’t quite shake the feeling. It just feels like I am being sold short when there is something else out there that could make all the difference.
Now, I understand that they have to test drugs for a reason and we shouldn’t just put our blind faith in the drug companies and there are lots and lots of examples of things going horribly wrong when people jumped the gun on that score. That’s what I know mentally.

I was thinking yesterday about how I am just blindly doing what the doctors say I should do and how I have always poo po’ed chemotherapy and radiation, because they don’t seem to have very good success rates and also because exposing your poor battered body to a tanker load of poison doesn’t make sense to me.
I said all that stuff, before I ended up here.
And now I am gobbling up the whole package, hook, line and sinker.

All I can say about that is that things seem really different when it is a real decision that one has to make.
So, yeah, I am doing this in a way that is completely different than how I ever would have imagined, and I am okay with it. Just in case anyone wondered whether I had given this much thought. Yeah, I have.

Oh, and here is a request…
Like I mentioned, people have been so sweet and generous… it’s amazing.
And I understand that some folks feel better if they bring something. And while we are pretty well-stocked at this point in time, it’s nice that people still ask if they can bring stuff.
But I have to ask that we have a candy moratorium.
I have a huge amount of candy. Tons of candy. All yummy and delicious candy, but I think I am now at my candy quota.

Okay, I have to go watch my friend push the lawn mower around my yard.
I’m going to try to enjoy that, maybe bring along a glass of raspberry lemonade or something.

More as it happens.

 Posted by at 11:34 am

  5 Responses to “Confession”

  1. When I come to come visit, if I happen to be grumpy, can I have some of your candy ?

  2. I’ve noticed that alot about decisions we face. It’s easy to postulate decisions we might make in “what if” scenarios, but when actually faced with some of those hard decisions it’s a bit of a different ballgame. We make the choice that feels most *right* at the time, and that’s all we can do.

  3. O.K. So I’m just reading this now. And I realize that the organic melons I brought so that you could feed the hordes coming to visit probably weren’t needed. Sigh. Perhaps I’ll use the angle of picking one of them up as an excuse to come by and laugh loudly in your house.

    And by the way? While you seemed *incredibly* hospitable (as opposed to crabby) I do like the little pursed shape of your mouth when you’re kinda perturbed… your brow forrows and your eyes kinda squint… makes me wanna giggle…


  4. You didn’t offer me no stinkin’ candy. And I even showed you my thing.

    Good to see you though. Really, really good.

  5. i’m going to set a skid on fire.

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