Sep 212006

Let’s just get this over with on a global level, shall we?

I am madly in love with Elaine, and have been for a very long time, and, having said that, she and I broke up yesterday after 5 years together and some primo years of friendship before that.

I am heartbroken beyond words and I have no idea how I am going to put one foot in front of the other and carry on. Lots of folks know the grumpy side of me and so I suppose those folks will be surprised to know that I considered making Elaine happy my number one priority. And I was pretty successful at that in the beginning, if I do say so myself. And then the cancer thing happened, and that sort of messes up a person’s life. And then things just stayed phuqued up. As is the way with these things, we have our differing ideas about how we came off the tracks. In my opinion, we never got over the cancer stuff and we just got more and more screwed up and hurt and mangled. And then, we broke up.

So, I wanted more than anything to be the one who could make her happy, and, in the long run, I failed at that so miserably. And I feel such a spectacular degree of shame around that.

In case anyone is wondering how I am with all this, I can safely say that I would rather do another 8 chemo treatments than lose Elaine as my partner. She is the love of my life. But my life ain’t no Disney film, it’s more like a Russian novel, where you love the girl with your whole heart, but for whatever reason, that ain’t enough.
I don’t know how to do this and I am so tired of so much hard stuff. When do I get my vacation in Palm Springs, floating on an air mattress? Aren’t I due?

 Posted by at 12:38 pm

  17 Responses to “Get out yer hankies”

  1. I’m so sarry for you both…words can’t adequately describe how sorry I am.

    I want you to know that I love and value the friendships of both of you and that isn’t going to change!!

  2. I haven’t been reading your site long, but wanted to de-lurk and add my condolences. I’m so sorry to hear about this, my best wishes to you both.

  3. fuck. whoa.

    i hope that it’s going to be ok.

  4. Damn. I’m so sorry, Spike. Words are inadequate. I’m available, if there’s anything I can do.

  5. I’m so sorry.

  6. I’m sorry Spike – there re no words that can comfort. I will say that I’ve been through a divorce… 27 years ago, met my current husband that same year…. who knew… change hurts, but you really don’t know what’s around that next corner.

  7. breakups suck, and there is nothing to say to make it easier. Some cigarettes, and some beer always did me just fine – but it’s been a while since I had a breakup (atleast 8 years) – and maybe now my destructive response would be a bit healthier. We are here for you! BIG HUG

  8. I wish I could say something more than I’m sorry. I hope that you both have a chance for your hearts to heal and maybe, just maybe, you can find your way back to one another.

    Spike, I have no idea why one woman has to experience so much in such a short period of time. I think of you often and hope that the cosmos align in your favor and that only good things come your way.

    Peace…and hugs.

  9. De-lurking to say that I’m very sorry you are going through this. Wishing you happier times in the future, despite how bleak they look now. Hugs to you.

  10. I am sorry to hear about the break up. I feel for you. I am a cancer survivor stage 3 cervical a year and ahalf and hopefully counting. My husband and I just have not been the same since this whole, awful, unexpected, uninvited visitor called cancer. I have been just miserable, mentally and physically and that has effected our relationship. I do know sometimes things happen in life the way they are supposed to and in time, give yourself time, you will smile again, and feel the sunshine and know it will be ok again. Best, Nancy

  11. Oh, Spike… I’m really sorry to hear that. I don’t even know what to say. Breakups are nasty, horrible beasts that are so painful to go through. I hope that you’re hanging in there and that you make it through the next days/weeks as easily as possible.


  12. Spike, I’m so sorry this happened to you. My heart is bleeding for you both. If there’s anything at all that I can do, please let me know. I know how gut wrenching breakups can be. And like many, I suppose, the relationship between you and Elaine appeared to be stuck together with some seriously heavy duty construction adhesive. The harder it’s stuck, the worse it hurts to rip it apart. You will make it through this but it’s gonna take a lot of time. Be gentle with yourself. OK? Many, many people love and care about you.

  13. I just heard, Spike, and am so sorry. What a terribly hard thing. Hugs and love to you.

  14. Oh damn. damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn

    I am so sad to hear the news. So sorry that your relationship succumbed to the effects of the cancer. It’s hard to know what to say that isn’t just platitudes at a time like this so I’ll just say that, if there’s anything I can do, let me know. I’m here in Vancouver for a couple of weeks. If you need someone to go to appointments, etc. with you, I’m pretty good at that kind of stuff and I know that you have many other friends here that will also rise to that. It’s not the same, I know, but you won’t have to deal with those unpleasant moments all alone.


  15. Oh, Spike…I’m so sorry to hear about the break-up. I check in on your blog from time-to-time but I’m always a lttle afraid that something horrible will again have fallen into your life. I don’t know what it is ablout having cancer (ovca survivor 1 and a few months) but no matter how hard you try things sometimes just keep crumbling afterwards and it always seems like there is a link back to the cancer. But I continue to believe it does get better and our karma will eventually return to a better spot. Give yourself time to wallow and mourn (I know, AGAIN?) and then put yor chin up and move forward. You’re one of my role models and I know you can do it. Be kind to yourself. Wishing you all the very best from here on out. Martha

  16. come over. we’ll whedon it up.

  17. Hey Big Guy
    I apologize I checked out of the world for a few months and didn’t realize you had such a hard fall.
    All My best energies.
    I am pretty good listener if you ever need a good ear.
    I dearly hope things are much better for you now.
    Hugs and smiles

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