Let’s just get this over with on a global level, shall we?
I am madly in love with Elaine, and have been for a very long time, and, having said that, she and I broke up yesterday after 5 years together and some primo years of friendship before that.
I am heartbroken beyond words and I have no idea how I am going to put one foot in front of the other and carry on. Lots of folks know the grumpy side of me and so I suppose those folks will be surprised to know that I considered making Elaine happy my number one priority. And I was pretty successful at that in the beginning, if I do say so myself. And then the cancer thing happened, and that sort of messes up a person’s life. And then things just stayed phuqued up. As is the way with these things, we have our differing ideas about how we came off the tracks. In my opinion, we never got over the cancer stuff and we just got more and more screwed up and hurt and mangled. And then, we broke up.
So, I wanted more than anything to be the one who could make her happy, and, in the long run, I failed at that so miserably. And I feel such a spectacular degree of shame around that.
In case anyone is wondering how I am with all this, I can safely say that I would rather do another 8 chemo treatments than lose Elaine as my partner. She is the love of my life. But my life ain’t no Disney film, it’s more like a Russian novel, where you love the girl with your whole heart, but for whatever reason, that ain’t enough.
I don’t know how to do this and I am so tired of so much hard stuff. When do I get my vacation in Palm Springs, floating on an air mattress? Aren’t I due?