Mar 232005
 

danger, danger Will Robinson

I had dinner with a friend tonight and I was trying to explain the strange zone I am in right now.
I’m not sick, but I am not well.
I already had a major grumble about that earlier today (see below).
It’s just weird right now.
In some ways, having finished the chemo means I now have the time, and some of the energy, to look back on what happened to me, and to Elaine, in 2004.
And let me just say, it’s actually a freakier thing to look at in retrospect than it is to just dig in and do it on a daily level.
And I think that’s because when you are actively in it there is so much stuff that you just push aside or stuff and you put one foot in front of the other and you go.
You go for bloodwork and you go for chemo and you go for doctor’s appointments and you go get your prescriptions filled and you go lay down and you get up again in about a week.
And now, it’s been four months since I finished my chemo and now I am trying to make sense of it.
It’s sort of like having spent seven months inside a blender and then getting tossed on to solid ground. It takes a while for the world to stop spinning and to get your bearings.
I feel like that’s the stuff I have to do now.
Trouble is, it’s a bit overwhelming and I am not sure I know where to start.
If I try to take on too much, I get tired and then I get grumpy because I am reminded that I am not able to do everything I used to do.

So, I am kind of confused right now.
See, it’s like this…
On one hand, I have all the gruelling moments of the last year that I need to just work through and deal with, one way or the other.
And, on the other hand, I have the daunting future looming before me.
Cuz, in case you didn’t know, just because I lived through chemo does not, not, not mean I am cured.
It means I am doing really well right now. And we will keep checking back for the next 7 years to make sure nothing is changing too much in all that.
It’s really a so far, so good sort of thing.
And I am totally delighted with where I am at, all things considered.
But it’s a bit like the old devil and the deep blue sea, if you know what I mean.
Sometimes I do literally feel squished by the enormity of the recent past and unknown freakiness of the future.
So sometimes all that pisses me off and makes me grumpy.
I try to remember how pissed off I will be if I do have a recurrence and I didn’t make the most of this time right now.
And still, sometimes I get crabby.
Sorry about that, comrades.
Bear with me, it’s all getting better, bit by bit.

 Posted by at 12:50 am

 Leave a Reply

(required)

(required)

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>