Aug 312004

Well, it’s about 5 days since my last chemo treatment and I thought I should say something.

I was just whining at Elaine that this chunk of time, this chunk 4 to 7 days after the chemo, is the worst.
The chemo itself isn’t all that bad, aside from being poked.

But right now, I am:

– bored out of my mind
– drugged out of my mind
– incapable of communicating much so I can’t generate dialogue with most anyone
– really easily worn out, which feeds right back into why I am bored out of my mind.
– completely absent-minded because of the drugs which makes me not much fun for a conversation which feeds into the boredom.

So, this is my main time to lay around and feel sorry for myself.
Unfortunately, I am bored with that too.

The other thing that is happening right now is the neuropathy in my hands and fingers. That’s annoying, though it does fit well with the way my brain feels. It’s interesting to have everything feel pretty much the same. Numb.

And… I know that it is a stage in the process.
And….. I also know that this stage of feeling crappy is starting to take up more and more time of each round of chemo, just because my body is getting more worn now and each time the sludge inside me gets built up a bit more and I have less and less resistance to all the shite in my system.
And just about the time the new cells start to grow again, we slam another needle in my arm and start the process again.
And, in spite of the whining, that’s okay.
I don’t like this process much, but I am not keen on the alternative.
Still, I am pissed off that my lovely summer of leisure is over and I never really got the sort of leisure I was hoping for.
And, it’s all for the greater good.
I do believe that.
I am just achy and whiny and watching summer evaporate before my eyes and I am grumbly about that.

Next year.
Watch out…. next year, I am going to be hedonism personified!

You know, in a big picture kind of way, I mean if you are going to have cancer and do chemo, well, things have actually been going pretty well for me.
In terms of what the test results say, my body has responded well to the chemo.
The people in my life have been wildly kind and supportive.
Things could be way worse.
I just get grumpy about some of the details.

But in a big picture kind of way, it’s going well.

 Posted by at 11:49 am

  One Response to “uncomfortably numb”

  1. Wish I could make it all better.

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