Jun 012004

Here’s a little something I wrote to Spike to kinda describe how I’ve been feeling about the whole process thus far: cancer, surgery, and chemo. It’s pretty personal, so if you’re just after the fluffy stuff, feel free to skip it. Here goes…

From Elaine to Spike

So, the deepest part of me is not very civilized. I’d say that’s the same for everybody, but I won’t make any sweeping assuptions. Maybe some folks are better at keeping the cavewoman inside and not experiencing it, okay?

So I love you on a level that is beyond the mind. I love you blood and bone.

The you I love is so much about your mind and your self, but really, the part I get to touch and interact with, that’s your body. To the cavewoman in me, that’s the real-life, solid you.

So along comes a disease that hurts you, grows inside you. I can’t see it, or touch it, or experience it directly. And I can’t do anything to combat it. I can’t fix it, make it go away, effect a cure.

And then the doctor comes along and, in the act of helping, does terrible damage to your sweet body.

I know it’s to help, right? I know it’s to cure.

But someone has cut this huge hole in you, left you weak and recovering, in danger and difficulty. It makes the way I love you, the way I experience you, the way we connect sexually — all changed. Yeah, I know part of it’s temporary. My civilized human does. But remember the cavewoman, okay? You were hurting, and then someone took a knife to you. And I couldn’t defend you from that.

Right now, I think I grieve your wounds perhaps more than you do.

Okay, so now you’re getting better from the surgery, and I can see you reach for something without my heart hitting my throat… and I have to … take you, my sweet love, into a place where they frighten you, distress you — and drip fucking *poison* into your veins as you sit and patiently let them.

And I have to let them do that, too. And watch you get sick from it. and let you go back into the place to be poisoned again. And again.

And it just kills me to do that, to allow that. It takes everything I can do to hold in the cavewoman — to not tear you away from them and run out the door with you in my arms.

But I can’t protect you from the medical intervention, because I know I want you to get well. My civilized human knows it all inside out. So I live with that particular dichotomy tearing my heart out.

I love you — did I mention that?


 Posted by at 3:34 pm

  8 Responses to “Something Elaine wrote to Spike”

  1. I wish I could say I know what you are going through… but I can’t. I can only stand by, keeping the both of you in my thoughts and prayers, and with offers of hugs. If I lived closer, I’d deliver those hugs in person.

    Hang in there.

    With love,

    Lavender Rose

  2. I liked you when I met you Elaine. I love you for loving (and being loved by) Spike.

    But this is me loving you even more for being the sort of fierce spirit anyone’s lucky to have in their life.

    Takes one to know one. . .

  3. elaine-

    i am sitting here crying after reading your beautiful message to spike. it touched me deep inside because of my 6 years (this month!) with Donimo and her chronic pain and constant constant medical intervention, some of which is painful and damaging. i think i know something about the cave woman. and how hard it is to be strong and together during this kind of stuff. i wish i had more words for you, but i mostly just wanted you to know how moved i am by the whole website and especially by what you wrote here. and also the part in the first post where spike talks about depending on you. there is a lot here that i think both Donimo and i can relate to. i don’t know you very well and wouldnt want to invade your space– but if you ever want to connect and talk about this kind of stuff, i would be honoured.

    take care.


  4. i understand a little of what you are going through, but not all. All i can say just take care of yourself, she’s going to need someone strong. You sound like a very fierce and strong person. Keep it up

  5. E-
    The hardest thing I’ve ever done in recent memory was to watch helplessly as my sweet Stacey awoke from life-saving surgery. She was in incredible pain, and there was little I could do but hold her hand. One realizes just how tiny one’s own influence is upon the universe when a lover is lying vulnerable and hurting. My heart goes out to you and Spike during this rocky trail time in your lives. You are both in my prayers.

  6. Elaine and Spike,

    I have met you Elaine and felt the strength of your presence in a room and now I understand why. I can see how much love there is between the both of you just by what I have read here (I generally don’t read blogs), and I know for a fact that there is healing power in that. You two have a long wonderful journey ahead and this illness is just a bump in the road.

    Gentle Thoughts,

  7. Elaine and Spike,

    I have never had the pleasure of meeting either or you and don’t post much to lists so you probably don’t even know who I am. But what matters is whats going on & how you two are communicating. I’d like to add my support.

    This post of Elaine’s made me cry.

    Ten years ago I sat at a good friends bedside while she fought to survive being septic from leukemia. She was green, I’ve seen a lot of different colors in folks skin but never green!

    Two years later she decided to undergo a bone marrow transplant. That involved yet more chemotheraphy and enough full body radiation to kill just about everything in her body that was capable of reproducing. It was the most horrible and the most wonderful experience I have ever had. There was literally nothing I could do but BE THERE. It was such a helpless feeling. She had lots of other folks who could do other things for her, but none of them could just be there while she was going thru this. A group of her friends also shaved their heads in solidarity when her hair fell out.

    I learned so much about being alive and the will to live from that experience that I can only thank her for allowing me to be there for her. Who knew I would gain so much?

    Hang in there, both of you!

  8. Caring, writing, and listening to people as they try to be and become their various selves (in various combinations) ? these are your gifts Elaine. To name a mere few. I have not had the pleasure to meet you, Spike, but I sure look forward to the day I do.

    This must be altering your lives tremendously, and through your website you?re showing us what that really means and how to rage with humility, strategize with humour, and live and love with ferocity. I say this not to pressure you to try to live up to or prove anything, cause who the hell wants that, but rather to say thank you, for opening us up to your magnificent love for and trust in each other.

    I wish you much love and courage,

    Sally (aka Kirstie)

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