Something Evil This Way Comes

I’m sure there are more than a few Boomtown rats fans out there that know and understand the tune I am humming in my head right now.

Okay… it’s been a while and I feel like I should have a lot to say.
I probably do, because a lot sure has happened. I just don’t know if I will have the steam to write about it all tonight.

A couple of things to talk about for sure.
I did my 4th chemo treatment today (thus explaining why I am still up at 2:30) and reaching number 4 means I am halfway thru if everything goes well. Fingers crossed.
And so far the test results indicate that everything is going well. The first set of results came back with my CA125 scores being 8.6
Today, I got back a newer set of results that are at 7.1
(If this is making as much sense to you are trigonometry after smoking Panama Red then flip back to the entry called “3 down, five to go” cuz I explained all this stuff there. if you don’t want to go there and read, just trust me that it’s good news.)
My immune system is still pretty delicate and I have to be careful.
We spent the weekend doing a ton of social stuff, because of Pride and weddings and such, and I came in contact with lots of people which was good mentally, mostly, but it is a bit risky physically. I think I got a bit run down from it all, but I think if I can make it through the next few days without getting sick, then that will be excellent. I have known from the beginning of this that this was going to be the busiest weekend of the whole treatment, and it was.

At the top of this entry, you can see me being the fluff on the back of the bike.
If you pay attention, you will also see that I have the legs for the job.
That was really really fun.
I had been hoping to get a picture or two from the weddings we went to to post here but that hasn’t been possible. Elaine and I were dressed rather sharply and I was hoping we might get a photo or two, but I think they may be a while coming.

Anyway, it’s almost 3 and it’s time to try sleeping again.

If sleeping doesn’t work, there will be a lot more to read on this page.

I went for another round of bloodwork today.

First of all, let me just say I am continually impressed by how sweet the folks who work at the lab are. It’s a big lab that does bloodwork for most everyone, and for some reason the Cancer Agency sends me to them once per cycle.
So, every three weeks, I have bloodwork done at the big lab and again a week later at the Cancer agency.The big lab is often crowded with weirdos but the staff who work there are always really kind. Actually, I have to say, I think they are nicer than the folks in the lab at the Cancer Agency who poke me and drain my blood. Or maybe it’s because at the lab the poker-gals always make some comment about the cancer and ask how it’s going. No one does that at the Cancer Agency, not when they take my blood. Now, I kind of understand why, but still, when you are getting poked as often as I am, it’s nice when they are sweet to you.

In spite of my courageous exterior, I am really a bit of a candy-ass when it comes to giving blood or having it taken. I have to bring Elaine with me to hold my hand. You might expect that I had made some progress on this score over the last few months, but no.

I was thinking earlier today that if everything goes well and according to the original plan, then I am basically almost at the halfway point of this process (not to suggest that I am counting the days or doing anything other than savouring every moment of this…, mmmm… yum…).
So, yeah, today, I was sitting in the sun, thinking about being a bloodletting candy-ass and I thought, “whoo hoo, I am coming up on the halfway point!”
And I confess, I enjoyed that idea for several hours.
And then I realized that even if everything continues to go well, I will still be going for bloodwork every three months for the next couple of years and then every 6 months and so on…
Which is still a nice long gap compared to what I am doing now.
And you know, it’s a necessary evil.

Anyway, bloodwork today means I am starting the build-up process for round 4.

This week I will:
do bloodwork
see my GP
go to the launch party for the calendar my gf spent the last few years working on
Have a CT Scan
Go to Pride
Go to the wedding of some of my favorite people.

This is a very busy week for me. I expect it will be the busiest week I have thru the whole chemo thing.

Next week I will:
do bloodwork again
meet with Dr. Oncologist and the nurse who co-ordinates the study I am in
do another round of chemo
stay awake for the remainder of that week and a goodly chunk of the next (unless we come up with the right combo and find some balance between the steroids and something else so I can actually get some beauty sleep.)

I really really really want to be able to enjoy some of the summer this year.
I had really high hopes for this summer, and it’s more than a little ironic that I got knocked on my ass. I am trying to figure out a way to get out of the city, even if only for a day.
I’m getting a bit cabin fever-ish, and I think it’s time for my Houdini impersonation. It may have to wait a couple of weeks, but that’s my plan.

On a totally different note, I am re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and that’s a lot of fun. I had started it in April, when Elaine and I went to Tofino for our birthdays, but we came back to Vancouver and everything kind of went to shite quite quickly and I couldn’t focus on it while I was in the hospital and it all just kind of fell to the wayside, until now.
Unfortunately, it looks like I will still have to wait a while before Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out.
Guess that means I have to start again with the first book and make my way through it all over again.

SpikeHarris.com is moving to a newer server, so please don’t comment on anything until Friday 23rd July. Anything posted between today and then will, how you say, disappear.

I suspect that today is Friday, and that means I did chemo about 3 days ago.
And I am tired.
I am tired in a variety of ways you may or may not want to hear about.

See, there is the standard sort of tired I get, from the steroids keeping me awake and all that. I’ve made a bunch of noise about that already and besides, we have adjusted my medication and I am actually getting a bit more sleep this time around.

I’m tired of lots of things.

I’m tired of having to think about cancer every goddamn day, even when I tell myself I am not going to, for just one day, I am not going to think about cancer or mortality or how my life got so completely ass-backwards in a matter of months.

I’m tired of being a special consideration when any event is going to happen. I would give a lot to just be a regular person again.

I’m tired of having these crazy circumstances wear my girlfriend down.
And down, and down.
It sucks when you want so much to make someone happy and all you can see is the stress and the strain you are causing.

I’m tired of being an inverted Pez dispenser, always slamming some new drug combo down my throat and walking around in a stupor.

I’m tired of stressing about how I will make ends meet when my EI claim ends next month and I have to go on welfare.
I guess that’s just more of that humility crap that they think so fondly of in the 12 step programs. Ironic though, no?

I’m tired of wondering whether I feel weird because I have a 10 inch scar on my belly where they ripped my guts out, or if I am tired because of the chemo, or if I am just tired of having to always try to be brave and optimistic and hopeful, in spite of my statistics.

I’m tired of the civil war of hormones going on inside my body, and the way all the parts inside my head crash into each other. I’m tired of wondering whether the inside of my head is mental because some strange man just yanked a bunch of vital parts out, or maybe I am mental because I haven’t taken the time to process what that’s like, or maybe I haven’t taken the time because there was already a chemo needle in my arm and we were off and running on a whole new adventure.
I’m tired about wondering about memory loss and whether it’s starting to happen. I’m tired and I can’t accurately describe what I have already whined about already in this post.

And then when the wonderful world of mental started to seep in again, I got to wonder if it was menopause or the steroids they gave me to make me feel less crappy. But now we can toss in a little estrogen and HRT, if I want, so I can never know what I am thinking or feeling or being pissed off by.

I’m tired of having a life where, often, the high point of my day is walking to the library.
You know, just some small glimmer of independence.

I’m tired of having to be so reliant on my friends and loved ones and wondering and worrying about how I can ever repay the people who have been so kind and attentive.

I’m also more aware of times people in my life have been worn down or tired or just needing some extra help and seeing how I wasn’t always very good at that, so I get to learn something now and try to do it better in the future.

I have every intention of coming out the other side of this as a nicer, more compassionate person.
And I reckon I will.
Just right now I am tired.

And what I am tired of, almost more than anything, is all those fuck-whad lousy dickheads who throw their garbage in my yard for me to clean up.
I mean, when I was a kid, we had littering spanked out of us, and I don’t know who dropped the wooden spoon and razor strop, but geez, to look at my garden, you’d never know anyone ever taught the little buggers that the world is not their personal cess pool.
And an even bigger thanks to the wanker bastards who just dump whole lots of shite in my back alley for me to clean up.
Hey, I don’t mean to be too much of a sissy here, but I have no goddamn immune system. Much as I would otherwise be delighted to clean up after you, because who wouldn’t, you are putting my health at risk by being such a lazy little wanker bastard.

Still, in spite of my platinum grade whining here today, I have the chance to spend a day or so on Galiano, if all that works out.
And I may be able to go kaykaying on Bowen Island with the big angry, mod, fag-tease.
And, the truth of it is, I have been having a major craving to be back at Tofino, or maybe up around Quadra Island.
I love the North Island a huge amount.
And the last trip home from Tofino was all shadowed in the ‘oh-shit, what’s going to happen with this surgery.’
So, we had a vacation, but it seems so long ago now. The welcome home bubble burst kinda quickly.
Maybe with any luck, we can get up to some wild chunk of ocean when all these treatments are finally said and done, in the winter/Xmas/New Year’s time.
That’s my big hope.

And the biggest irony, for me, is I had such a totally phuqued summer last year. All I really really wanted was for this summer to get great and sweet and relaxing. Just a regular little human drill… go to work, hang out with friends and loved ones and lover-girrl and make some fud with folks and lay around and laugh.
I had it all planned out.
It was my cosmic compensation for how shitty last summer was.
Imagine my surprise. Shit.

And believe it or not, I miss working and having a sense of purpose that was more involved and more connected with the world than walking to the drusgstore and getting my prescriptions refilled or ‘golly are we out of soymilk?’.

Gabor Mate says, in his book, When The Body Says No, that one of the contributing factors to who gets cancer and who doesn’t is…. anger.

So, thanks, Gabor, tonight I am angry.

And that feels like a good direction to be taking it in.
At least for the time being.
Now I just need to figure how to live with it and arrange it in ways that are appropriate and not just crab around and make everyone around me sad or spooked.

Luckily I have lots of time to work out my strategy.

I keep yammering on about how great people are being to me and Elaine, and here’s a plug for a guy who has been a really great, reliable mechanic for me for quite some time.

I was really lucky that I got connected up again with a former co-worker who also does really good repair work on cars. He brought Elaine’s van back from the dead and for less than we expected.

My buddy Brian is working his regular job during the day and doing car repair in the evening, plus raising a family and all that jazz.
Brian says he would be into doing more repair work so here I am giving him a plug.
I bet his wife would prefer I don’t just put their phone number up on the internet. But I will gather up the contact info and put it up here or somewhere and let folks know about it.
In the meantime, if you are local and need some repair work, drop me and e-mail and I will try to hook you up.

Most people know by now that this round of chemo was a long drawn out process of no sleep and all the dementia that comes with not sleeping much for almost 2 weeks.
One of the things that happened as a result of that is I haven’t had as much contact with people. Last round I was being much more social in the 3rd week of the process.
I was chatting with Elaine today and we thought perhaps we should just let folks drop by and visit with us and we can see lots of people before I go back into the next chemo cycle.
So, that’s what we would like to do, have people over on Sunday afternoon, in a casual drop in kind of way, from 1- 4 pm-ish.
If you’d like to come by on Sunday, that would be cool.
The same old rules apply about being ill, which is, if you are ill, we will have to catch up with you some other time, because I have no immune system so I can’t fight off any germs you bring to our home.
I’m sure we will make tea and coffee and have some cold things to drink. Should be a nice day, I think.
If you need directions, drop me an e-mail.

On other fronts, I seem to have come out of the woods from round 2.
I am now in the preliminary stages for round 3 because I had to go for more bloodwork today.
And I will go for more bloodwork next Monday, and then do the chemo again on Tuesday.
Basically, they check my blood as of today to make sure everything is okay and I am not sick or too run down, and then they do it again the day before the treatment, and assuming everything comes up okay, then we do another round of chemo.
Lather, rinse, repeat x 8.

I confess that I am feeling like I didn’t get much time between treatments this time. I think I have to start making the most of it now, because I was really tired and cranky for so long this last time that I end up having a smaller window in which to have some fun.
I definitely have to get them to adjust my meds so I can get some sleep this next time. It was getting a bit insane going ten days with no more than an hours sleep at a time.

Okay… it’s a beautiful day and I am going to go do something.
See some of you soon.

But she’s probably too modest to admit it out loud.

6 months without smoking.

Even with all the stress lately. Even though her doc said smoking and ovarian cancer ain’t connected.

Half a year. Holy.

Spike’s my hero.

-Elaine

I don’t mean to get all Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on your ass, but I have a couple of things to say.
Actually, I have a more than a couple of things to say, and a bunch of them have nothing to do with cancer, so if you are only here for the cancer bits, I’ll try to get that bit up front and leave the rest of the non-toxic rants for the bottom of this post.

Okay… let’s rant.
First of all, I have been really really impressed with how cool and supportive people have been to me since I got diagnosed. I am humbled, really, by how swell people have been. People have shown up from the past and have been spectacular. My nearest and dearest have gone well above and beyond the call and have just kind of surrounded me and kept it all moving and safe.
I am more grateful for all that than I think most people can understand.
And I try to say what I am grateful for lately, and what I am happy about lately and to be attentive to what is so cool and I forgot to notice it or mention it lately.

And now I want to talk about something that bugs me about this whole cancer bullshit thing but I am not sure that I will. Or that I know how to talk about it, yet.
See, people have been great, and I don’t mean to take away from that. But today, I had someone I know say something that was basically ignorant and assinine to me, and it was from someone I expected better from, someone who I respect, and I find myself still gobsmacked from the conversation even 5 hours later. And, oddly, I don’t even know if she realized how much she horrified me with what she said. So, my head is spinning around slowly, trying to make sense of it and be more forgiving. It was just a totally strange and moralistic thing that got said in the middle of talking about me being sick.

See, I have yapping about this cancer business and a lot of the details for a while now. If you know me at all, you’d know that isn’t my style. But I think it’s important. I don’t know why it’s important, but it is and I can’t seem to stop myself. Blame my medication if you’d like, but I am all new-born yappy and you know how to work a mouse so if you didn’t want to read this, I assume you’d click on something else or go back to work or something.
And in talking about it, I really have wanted to be available to people if they have questions. Because this is weird shit and I certainly didn’t know squat about it 4 months ago, and I don’t expect anyone else to either (unless they have a white lab coat and a vial of my blood).
So, if you want to know, feel free to ask, politely, and I will answer you as best I can.
But don’t, for the love of god, make shit up.
Don’t give me some other sort of cancer or any other disease and don’t assume that it’s no surprise I have cancer because I smoked for all those years. Spare me that, okay? And if you can’t spare me, at least have the small bit of good taste to keep that to yourself.
And just to set the record straight, one more time, according to my oncologist, the 2 reasons I have ovarian cancer are because 1) I am a woman and 2) I live in North America.
It isn’t a nicotine related thing.
And in case you missed it, I quit smoking.
Now, as my girlfriend has pointed out, having ovarian cancer does not immunize me against any other kind of cancer, and in fact I have had a big ass chest x-ray and I will be having a CT scan and we will make sure everything is going okay. But barring any further disasters, could we just stick with what is real? I’d really appreciate that.

I guess it’s interesting that I would have this weird social encounter today, because yesterday was a bit of a milestone in its own right as well. See, up till now, when it comes to social things we have played everything by ear, we have surrounded ourselves with our closest peeps and we haven’t had to have too many conversations with people who don’t know I am currently sick.
But last night we went to a friend’s birthday party and it was all very nice and fun and cool. But it was also really different, because I realized that I was out of the house and around strangers, and I am not the same as other people anymore. I’m not a regular person anymore, and that is kind of a hard pill to swallow, if you’ll forgive my pun. I came home and thought about that and got kind of rattled by that.
I am not happy about that detail at all, and, unfortunately, I think I just have to come to terms with it.
That’s going to take some work.
This isn’t my area of expertise.
See, it was all okay while I framed it like a big swell party where people pay me lots of attention and if I say I’d like gelato, blam… I have gelato before you can shake a stick.
So, it’s a lot more fun to get your gelato fast because you think you are part of the royal family than it is to find out you get your gelato fast because you are basically not on the same footing as your peers anymore.
I am struggling with this.
And, let’s be serious, I am *not* on the same footing as my peers anymore.
It’s just taking me quite a few weeks to look at that for the first time.
And it’s going to take even longer than that to get okay with it.

Anyway, I have been struggling with ‘accepting’ that my life has taken a major shift.
Not so happy about that part at all.
Still, I am trying to enjoy myself when I can, and I am actually managing to pull it off.
I went for a walk to return some videos tonight, and while that would have been a bit of a chore a few months ago, tonight it was a delightful walk thru the streets of my neighbourhood. It was a lovely night and I went out by myself, which is an actual accomplishment some days, and it was just really, really nice. It felt really good to just wander down the street and look at the things people are growing in their gardens and enjoy the early evening. It was great.
So, parts of it are really being good for me.
On one hand, I have this huge source of stress in my life and on the other hand, I am much more aware of the fact that sometimes you just roll with the punches.
Of course, this too could be blamed on the adjustments to my medication.
Stay tuned.

All right.. now the last part, the part that has nothing to do with cancer, but I feel like ranting and you logged on so you get what you get.

As my fellow Canadians will know, there is a federal election this evening.
All around my city, there are campaign signs.
No big deal, this happens with every election.
Friends have asked me if we are going to put up a sign and I always find myself feeling really uncomfortable with the concept of advertising who I would vote for (as if that was an area of any suspense.)
But I wondered about that for a while, and here is my thinking.
I am all for people voting, and talking about political issues and arguing and doing all that.
And if you want to put up a little sign that says “Lupo the Butcher For Mayor”, well, I think that’s fine. Except, I just want one thing.
I think that if people are going to put up little campaign signs on their yards, then they should be automatically obliged to keep those signs up till the next election has happened. Like… 4 or 5 years.
See, somehow, all these scallywags like Gordon Campbell and George W Bush are getting elected. Well, they seem to take office, though no one ever admits to voting for them. Now, all skullduggery aside, I think some stupid bastards must have voted for the wankers.
And, I think if people are stupid enough to vote for them, then part of the cross I must bear as a carbon based life form is to endure this punishment for 4 – 5 years.
But what I want is to be able to look around, say 6 months into the term of the next stupid government, and be able to walk down the street and knock on your door and say, “Oh, excuse me, neighbour, but I notice from your yard sign that you thought Gordon Campbell is the best thing since organic wheatgrass juice, perhaps you could explain a few things to me, now that things are starting to take shape.”
I’m all for voting and participating in the democratic process, I just think there needs to me some more long term accountability than a hunk of plastic swinging in your front yard. You know, I am all about the loyalty, really. How about you folks with the lawn signs make a promise to stand by your man, eh? Is that so wrong, or spooky? Are you just afraid to commit?

Well, it’s bath time for garbanzo.
I hope you’ve all learned a lot here tonight, comrades.

Stay tuned, cuz you know it will be different next time.