Jul 262005

I’ve been waiting and planning and waiting and waiting for this for a long time.

See, I have wanted a new tattoo for a while.
And then I got sick, and I couldn’t get one, partly because I had no money but mostly because I had no immune system.
So, my g-f bought me the tattoo as a combo Xmas/birthday prezzie.

And then I waited and waited for the immune system to come back.
And then I waited and waited to get my appointment, cuz my tattoo dude has a long line up and I had to wait a couple of months.

Anyway, here is the finished product.
I could babble on about the why’s of it all, but basically, this guy taught me a long time ago that the opposite of fear is faith, and that seems like a good thing for me to remember these days.

 Posted by at 9:57 pm
Jul 232005


Okay, I am back.
This is where I went.
Or this is one of the places in the park where I camped.
It is the road up to a sub-alpine meadow. It had been pretty rainy and overcast until the last day of the trip, and then it turned into this perfect day.

The trip was good, and I think it was a good idea.

I’ll possibly throw a few more pictures from the trip up in my gallery in the next couple of days.

And I expect to have a totally spectacular picture to put up here in the next day or so.
Stay tuned, comrades.

 Posted by at 8:43 am
Jul 142005

Okay, I am loading up the truck and I am heading out of town to camp for a few days.
All by myself.
First camping trip I have ever done all by myself.
But the truth is, I have been a bit of a crabby old rat bastard the last while and I think I need some time to just sort through some things.
See, I don’t mean to suggest that doing chemo was easy, cuz it totally sucks great green monkey dicks.
But, here’s the thing…
Being back in the land of the normal, it’s kind of weird.
An awful lot happened to me and mine in the last 14 months or so, and I am feeling like I continue to scramble to make sense of what happened, catch up with the things that need to happen on a day to day level, and figure out what the hell I think I would like to do with my future, whatever that may look like.
And after cancer comes and rattles your cage, your perception of “the future” is kind of different.
Sort of how you might view “the future” if you had had your retina detached in a bar fight.

So off I go.
To sit among the mighty pines and mighty firs and just take some time to think about things.
And hopefully, to also take some time to not think about things.
Because frankly, this is the wildest ride I have ever been on.
And I am still trying to make sense of things, even though I am back on the ground.

Catch you again in a few days, campers.

 Posted by at 11:30 pm
Jul 082005

I was in the bathroom today and because of the way I was standing and the way the light was coming into the room, I was suddenly aware of the return to regular-life-ness of my eyelashes.
And then I remembered what life was like a year ago, as they slowly fell out, one by one.

This post-chemo era is a funny time.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not nostalgic for the thigh-slappin’ good times that chemo provides.
It’s just that now, everything seems all normal on the outside and I feel like I spend so much time scrambling to keep up with real life, and to also take the time to think about all the things that happened last year.
I dunno.
Sometimes it’s easy to get lost.
In fact, it’s probably easier to get lost now than it was last year, because I am more on my own now.
And that’s not a complaint. It’s an observation.
Sometimes it’s all a little overwhelming.
And, even if I am bouncing back, things are pretty scrambled on the inside.

It’s funny, because I seem to be pretty open about talking about the whole cancer escapade, and I find many people look at me with a sort of polite horror, not unlike wiping dog crap across a white carpet with your shoe.
People seem so freaked out about it, I start to wonder if I should just shut up about it.
Don’t wanna spoil their buzz, after all.
And then I start to feel like I am just getting all dramatic and making shit up, cuz explaining it to the non-cancerous civilians, well, it can all start to sound a bit dramatic and even I think I am full of crap.
It’s all very weird.

I am very grateful that these other gals who went through the OVCA nightmare are out there, blogging and keeping it real.
There is some sort of validation I get from that that I don’t get other places.
And I have this feeling that we are doing this very interesting thing to the whole experience of cancer, us OVCA bloggers.
Mark my words, folks… this is about a type of patient empowerment and I think it matters a lot.

So, thanks, gals.
You make the strange trip a whole lot easier.

 Posted by at 10:06 pm