May 162006
 
I wrote that last entry about Cancerbaby’s death on the fly. I actually wrote it during a quiet moment at work.

It was a strange day, that Sunday. I really had been fully prepared to have my knees knocked out from beneath me because of the whole Mother’s Day-ness of it all. Learning that Cancerbaby had died was sort of like getting sucker punched. But that’s not completely true because I knew she wasn’t at all well, and that things were coming to an end for her. Still, I held on to hope for her.
I spent the biggest chunk of Sunday at work, and I thought I was sad but basically okay about it.

And then I left work and I started to unravel. I have to say that I did a magnificent job of unravelling.

Today, most of what I feel is confusion.

Several folks have stepped up and have tried to be supportive while I sob or go catatonic. There are so many layers and so many ways I feel bad in this, I don’t know where to begin.

I feel this staggering degree of grief for Mr. Cancerbaby. I try to imagine how he puts one foot in front of the other and I realize that I can’t comprehend what he must be feeling. There is a big bruise on my heart for Mr. Cancerbaby.

And I feel sad and horrified that someone who was so smart and eloquent and so young and who went through treatment at more or less the same time as me got the crappy bend in the road.

Mostly, I am numb and confused and I keep thinking that this should never have happened.

One of the few things that is a good thing in all this is how all the OVCA bloggers have come together and passed the word. I feel like everyone is trying to do whatever sort of tribute makes sense for them.

I dunno.

I remain stunned and saddened, and mostly I just think it is such a spectacular waste and that it is so very wrong that she is dead.

6 Responses to “Flags at half-mast”

  1. Fi Says:
    It isn’t fair at all …
    When one thinks of all the good people that die and the terrible people who go on.
    It isn’t fair, it isn’t right …

    Thinking of you Spike.

    Love
    Fi

  2. tara Says:
    i just got back and am catching up on reading folk’s blogs. i’m sorry for your loss (which doesn’t really capture what i want to say, ya know?), cancerbaby sounds like one hell of a woman.
  3. Liz (suburban girl) Says:
    Cancerbaby’s blog was gutsy and honest. She left her mark on the world, and on me. Here’s to you, Cancerbaby. I wish you were still with us.

    Rock on, Spike
    Suburban Girl

  4. cb’s friend Says:
    Email me if you want to talk.
  5. Amy Says:
    I found you via Cancerbabys blog and damn you if I am not reading your blog from day ONE. You rock. Greetings from Chilliwack BC
  6. another friend Says:
    Spike, I understand the loss. I am looking to be in touch with cb’s friend, know how I can contact them? Thanks….
 Posted by at 4:05 am

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